Just Ask Dan: An Advice Column for the Extremely Patient

Should I Break Up With My Girlfriend?


I am in love, but I have a major problem because we have different religious beliefs. I’m a Baptist, and my friends and family have advised me that this is a recipe for disaster, but I really love her even if she is a Methodist.

What do you think I should do?
In Love and Confused from Texas

In Love and Confused,

The path of a relationship leads to marriage, so it is always important to ask yourself if that is a path you and your loved one can travel. Issues with race and sex can easily be overcome by the power of love and the willingness to persevere against the small minds of others.

Differences in philosophy, whether they be religious or otherwise, can often be much more difficult to overcome. It is good that you are looking towards your path’s destination, but, honestly, in the large scheme of things your differences of faith are not that big of a deal. After all, it isn’t as if you think the Beatles are the best band of all time and she thinks the Rolling Stones are the best. If that were the case, I would definitely advise you of nipping this in the bud.

Your problem is relatively easy. You simply must ask yourself if you are willing to marry knowing that your wife will be damned to an eternity in hellfire for being a Methodist.

Hope that helps,

The Life-defining Pinto


I have heard it said that a person is defined by the type of car they drive. I drive a lime green Pinto. What does that say about me?

Rob in Mississippi


It says that you are the type of person that should not define yourself by your car.

Hope that helps,

Scientology Explained


Are those Scientologists for real? Do they really believe that crazy stuff, and are they really responsible for all those deaths?

Crystal from Minnesota


[Answer removed due to pending litigation.]

Nose Picking


Why do people pick their nose in public? It’s gross.

Joan from New York


I highly recommend everyone to pick their nose as soon as they feel the need. Leaving a nose unpicked can result in serious medical complications and research has shown that not picking your nose is the leading cause of “nose whistling” which can have a dramatic effect on a person.

Hope that helps,

On God and Dragons


I am a very religious person, and my best friend is an atheist. He’s always making fun of me saying that I might as well believe that an invisible purple dragon created the world.

It really gets on my nerves. Any suggestions?

Edward from Oregon


It is stupid to think something can be both invisible and purple at the same time.

Hope that helps,

The Power of Warts


I have a wart at the end of my nose, but I am not sure if I should have it removed. I have heard that Rasputin had a strategically-placed wart on his penis which added to his sexual prowess. I’m worried if I remove the wart on my nose I might lose something special, so I need your advice.

I’ll do whatever you think is best,
Tom from New York


I have to wonder exactly what you are doing with your nose that would prompt this question, but if you feel it is helping then it probably is. Some might call it superstition, but the power of belief is one of mankind’s largest untapped resources.

What is important is to make sure that you learn the basics of proper wart maintenance. You will want to avoid going outside on especially bright days to avoid sun damage. If you really must, use a sunscreen with at least a thirty SPF rating, and always wear a hat.

You should also make sure the wart gets the proper nutrients it needs to stay large and healthy. The best way to ensure this is to cake mud around the wart and leave it there overnight at least once a week. Remember, you aren’t trying to clear up your skin, you just want to feed the thing, so you don’t need fancy mud bought from a cosmetics store or prescription mud. Ordinary household mud will be fine.

Hope that helps,

Curious in Florida


You get some really strange questions. Are those people real?

Just Curious,
Jason from Florida

I get this question a lot, and it is difficult to answer. I cannot see them, nor can I hear them, smell them, or feel them. I probably wouldn’t want to taste them even if I had the opportunity. So, are they real? Some people would say no, and yet, I know there are other things out there that defy the five senses but are as real as the shoes on my feet.

I’m not a philosopher, although I have sometimes been called a philosophaster. I cannot say for certain whether or not they are real, but since the questions must come to me from somewhere, I’m going to have to side with their reality as opposed to some type of spontaneous query creation.

Hope that answers your question,